Over the years I have attended more
simchas than I care to remember. At
one time, I was attending at least one
a week. I got to the stage where I
couldn’t look a chicken in the face,
having eaten too many of them. On
one occasion I was so tired of the
‘papier mache’ chicken that, when I
was served with it, I informed the waiter that I didn’t want it. He
assured me that it was kosher and perfectly acceptable, but I was
adamant, no more chicken. He disappeared into the kitchen and
must have informed the catering manager that there was ‘ganser
meshugganeh frummer of a Rabbi’ who was refusing to eat the
chicken. He reappeared with a generous plate of smoked salmon and
salads. The Rabbi must not go hungry!
After some years in the Rabbinate, and having done a lot of peoplewatching
at these simchas, it dawned on me that there were certain
stereotypes that were to be found in every Jewish family and could
be picked out at these occasions.
I had the greatest sympathy for the host and hostess who had to
draw up a table plan, because in most if not all
Jewish families there was to be found a broigus.
Auntie Sadie would not talk to Uncle Sid. Why?
No-one could remember, least of all Auntie Sadie
& Uncle Sid, so it was necessary to make sure they
were seated as far apart as possible, where they
sat and glared at each other throughout the
evening.
Ballroom dancing was a must at these events, and
there was always one couple who thought that they were at a Come Dancing competition. They were the only ones
present, who could tango and foxtrot, and God help anyone else on
the dance floor who got in their way.
Then there was the desperate mother parading her daughter who, if
Moses had seen her there would have been another Commandment.
Hence the need to parade her. Surely, amongst the guests could be
found a suitable husband, but often to no avail.
It always amused me, after everyone had sat down to begin the meal,
there arrived the wealthy couple of the family who would walk in,
apologising profusely for their lateness, carrying a small wedding or
bar mitzvah gift, which looked as if it had been picked up at a charity
shop. Invariably they left early, pleading another engagement that
they had to attend. In the short time that they were present, the
family would fawn over them with great expectations.
There was, of course, the middle-aged couple who would use the
event as an excuse to attract the opposite sex, the wife
wearing a dress that just about covered the essentials
and men’s eyes wandering ravenously around the
room. To complement his wife, the husband would be
dressed in, what he believed to be, a with-it outfit, but
in truth looked ridiculous.
And what about the two elderly men who spent the entire evening
discussing business? And the two elderly matrons trying to outdo
each other as to how well their grandchildren were doing?
It all helped to pass the time and was an interesting tapestry of
Jewish society.
- Rabbi Michael Standfield
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